Ready to make a positive difference in your relationships?

Ready to make a positive difference in your relationships?

 According to research conducted by the Gottman’s, trust and respect are significant variables to a happy and successful relationship. But another variable, made famous by researcher Brene Brown, is vulnerability!

Allowing your self to be vulnerable may contribute to a more positive and meaningful relationship space.

 Here are some things to consider.

1) Recognize and acknowledge your vulnerability!  Many try to ignore and/or hide those aspects of ourselves.  You may be scared to share that side of you because you and culture often view it as a weakness and may have had bad experiences in the past.

• People often build walls. These walls start out as protections from potential hurts. Unfortunately, these walls are quite destructive and often create isolation and only a myth of protection.
• It’s not easy to bring these walls down and sometimes getting help is your best bet.
• Sharing your vulnerability tends to build trust and greater closeness.
• It’s also important to recognize and be kind to your partner’s vulnerabilities.

2) Build trust in a relationship. By sharing your self in this way, you are implying TRUST.

• Often people don’t trust their partners. It is important to do some reality testing here. Is your partner very critical of you?
• Does your partner use information as ammunition during fights. You may be justified in your position. However, maybe your not. If you answered no to the previous questions, then you may want to consider what previous experiences have you had that makes you miss trusting.
• Without trust and openness in your relationship, you will feel isolated, disconnected and lonely!
• By sharing your vulnerabilities, you may even encourage your partner to share their thoughts and reveal vulnerabilities.

3) Is there a difference between vulnerability and being needy? Many of my clients often confused needy for being vulnerable which often placed them in a dysfunctional victim role.

Needy is usually an archaic problem. One that you bring to the relationship with the expectation that your partner take care of your neediness. This is an unfair burden on your partner and is really your responsibility to tend to.

Being vulnerable means being open to sharing your more private self without expecting your partner to do anything about it. It is actually an act of courage and bravery.

4) Work to overcome your fears. Most of us make negative predictions that involve fears of betrayal and rejection. Sharing these can actually bring you closer and create a more reassuring relational space.

5) Feeling shame? This is a good thing, if you don’t get caught in it and stay curious, you can inquire about the part of you that was historically shamed.

Over the years, my clients have explored their shame experiences and have discovered amazing and wonderful parts of themselves that were hidden away because some adult had trouble with the way they were expressing themselves.

Shame and vulnerability are usually tied together because of individual histories. Its normal and ok. Lean in and discover!

Many people learned early on in their lives that insecurity and uncertainty where or are weakness. As you reclaim them, you will notice strange phenomena. You will actually feel a sense of pride and courage. This will have a big impact on your self-esteem.

6) Tend to your relationship regularly. Do you connect often with your partner? These times are great opportunities to bring vulnerabilities to the proverbial table.

• By engaging regularly, you will avoid the tendency to take your partner and your relationship for granted.

• Set aside time. Make that time sacred. A time without interruption or distraction. PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN!

• Listen, accept, take in and allow your partners words to really touch you. Do not try to fix, change or alter what your partner shares. Acknowledge and validate what they are saying and how they are feeling. It’s important to truly listen to your partner and understand the vulnerabilities they share.

Yes, trust and respect create the relational space that makes sharing vulnerabilities not only possible but contribute positively to the relational space.

Please NOTE, this advice is NOT for high conflict couples. If you are in a relationship that is high in conflict, you may need a great deal of help in order to create a climate where this is more possible.

Wishing you lots of love,

Eric

Eric G Schneider (c) 2019  www.ericgschneider

May use only with full attribution